I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
You Might Also Like
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
my first day as a raccoon
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
scrabbled eggs
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.