I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you