I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
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A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”