Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Welcome

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.