I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
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Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?