I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
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This could be us but you eatin’
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons