I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Chicago sounds lovely.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.