Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

new career option?

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?