Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Straight people are cancelled

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

This trial is so absurd 😭

We’ve all been there

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.