I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”