I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
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The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.