I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Optional boss fight.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested