I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen