I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
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I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
🙋♀️
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people