Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

Dead
Alive
Other✔

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”