I feel it
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Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
new shirt idea
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure