I feel it
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If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain