I feel it
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On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”