I feel it
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Meow
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven