I feel it
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my nickname in college
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Not even remotely sorry.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this