Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.