I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
You Might Also Like
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
それは草
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?