I feel it
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a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
You sure about that?
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash