Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.