Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.