I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
