I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.


Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781


Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!


Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.



Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when


I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.


At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.


I call my bedroom ‘The place where the magic happens’ because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.


When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”