I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
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Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Dead
Alive
Other✔
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones