I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
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I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
He took my last fry, your honor
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.