I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
my sentiments exactly
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
this has to be peak English
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.