Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.