I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.