I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Every BBC series about the universe.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
he looks great for his age
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office