I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
You Might Also Like
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My work here is don’t.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people