I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
is this a warning or an offer?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.