I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
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I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.