I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.