Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.