I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
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Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
my name if I was in the mob
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.