I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
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I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.