Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 6 types of sex

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

i want it utterly assaulted.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!