I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
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Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte