Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what the hell girl, sure

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon