I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*