HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
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An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
ugh not again
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!