Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

Those are good neighbors.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

About to form my very first opinion

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating