I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
(more comics:
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom