I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
I think this should do it.
