Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.