I feel like Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” describes how a woman’s chin hair grows back.
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Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
this is the kind of friend i am
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat