Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.