I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
This meal prepping shit easy
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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Me: Same.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)