I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
me, too, girl. me, too.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Happy thanksgiving
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No