I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.