Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?