I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.