I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
wtf management?!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.