Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen