Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.