Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

#merica

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.