I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
You Might Also Like
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
Greeting humans vs their dogs