I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
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Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
You are what you delete.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
It be like that sometimes 😆
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.