I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I was up all night reading about insomnia
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
dictator is short for richard potato
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
