I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
😂😂😂
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
