I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I need a long hot meteor shower
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Try and stop me.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
