I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
🤣🤣🤣
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER