Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???