I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.