Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday