Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”