@juliussharpe

I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”

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@QwertyJones3

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

@ronnui_

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

@ArfMeasures

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

@anerdonfire2

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

@Matt_the_1st

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

@pleatedjeans

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

@UncleDuke1969

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

@Book_Krazy

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

@novicefather

This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me.

That’s the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.