You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.