I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”

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[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.


[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years


[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?


Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.


Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan


Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people


[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”


“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan


This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me.

That’s the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.